I used to say that doing my shows took 10 years off of my life. Each one. But it wasn’t because of the artistic expression part of it. It was the useless bullshit of it. The stuff that didn’t resonate with my soul. The entertainment shallowness. The fake executives that treated you like a mined resource eager to move on to the next creator once the previous one was sucked dry and left crumpled on the roadside.
We made our few bucks, and the corporation walks away with a million dollar property.
I am thankful for the contributions my shows made, but at what cost? The body was not meant for the adrenaline onslaught it got for years . Mostly from arguing with network and studio executives. Contracts, lawyers.
But there is also the society cost to pay. The games we play. The authentic side of you who really could give a shit what someone thought of you, and yet you are still polite and smile. The bills you pay for still being in the game.
I think we all have a level of post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s from Life.
So after finishing my indie films, I don’t feel soul fatigue. I spend 2 years feeding my soul. But it puts so much contrast on the bullshit side.
But I still feel the remnants of when I used to do to myself. As in, agreeing to do these monster projects. It’s like an alcoholic who slowly destroys his or her liver, and then its time to pay the bill.
I feel old and worn out now. Done with it. I may have another film in me, and I still feel I have experience I can teach others.
But otherwise, I’m duct-taping my body together to get a few more miles out of it.
I still don’t understand this planet so much. But I have a few battlescars to show and some great stories to tell when I return.
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I often wander on abandoned blogs from the 2000s and find other creators sharing their stories on how they got screwed over alongside their shows, their inside work turns out to be even more amazing than the final product the execs insist on giving us and it’s such a rob.
If it means anything, those projects gave me a new life when I was in dire need of it, whatever the outcome was. It’s not the same in any way but I’ve had some experience lately with wearing myself out in favor of some lost cause, and I was stubborn enough to not let it go even if it was killing me until I realized better things, not as elysian as the ones I lived before my own apocalypse, were just around the corner, then I decided I had enough and began trying to live my life again as well as I tried to rebuild it with any crumbs I can find in my way.
I think it’s now more than ever that we need to find as much joy as we can in ourselves rather than in the outside world for once, though some days I’m not feeling very positive about anything that may come anyway.
Tell me, how do you come to terms with not being the person you swore to yourself that you were destined to be forever? I’ve changed so much during my whole life it feels terrible to find myself wandering again instead of dropping anchors in a mental place that nurtured me so much…
How does anyone deal with their -forever self- getting murdered and having to force themselves to start from scratch? As if they forgot everything they had learned about life in a second?
Wow, Jaina. So much to unpack here.
First off, we were never meant to drop anchor. We were meant to ride the wave. Starting from scratch means questioning the things you “learned” about life, whether or not they resonated with you, and find the things that do to replace the ones that don’t. We don’t need to check someone elses boxes. We have are own. What society tells us is “mental illness’ or “spectrum” is usually our soul in misalignment. There are many of us discovering who we really are, and one the of hardest parts is letting go of who we thought we were.
We do not need to “fit”. We need to Live.
I understand now… And certainly the journey of a million different emotions sounds more fun than staying “happy” forever. Thanks, Joe.
Hi Joe I really like the show Let’s go Luna! I really wish it would come back. So many countries to visit. Also there should be another Luna special like the Christmas one!-Adrian